The Inkeepers

The Innkeepers – Movie Review – 0/5

I know it’s a little unorthodox to update a movie review – maybe even unprofessional – but I wrote this review before I even started my blog and I’ve thought of more horrible stuff to say. Enjoy!

I’ve been literally searching the internet to see a review that pretty much sums up what I’m about to say. I have seen a few bad ones, but not scathingly bad. So this is what I think of this abysmal movie (in full detail.)

The film is about two employees at an inn that will soon be closing. They become obsessed with hunting a ghost of a woman who hung herself in the basement. This was apparently a brilliant throwback to horror films of the 70’s. It was not.

First of all, it’s too slow. I’m not impatient. I love slow-burn horrors. However, there is a big difference between slow and slow-burn. Slow-burn is tense, atmospheric and engaging. Slow is where the majority of the film drags on way too long, making the audience wish they picked a much better film. For a whole hour, we have to watch a girl talk about her life and a ghost in a hotel. Then, a piano cord plays by itself and she runs about the hotel screaming. That is the most interesting thing that happens. Then an old man checks in the hotel. About half our later, a ghost appears in her bed. Then, it disappears. Nothing really happens after that apart from a guy getting spooked by a noise in the basement then running away and then there’s the infuriating ending (more on that later). The film is so unscary (if that’s a word), you might as well wander around your house for 2 hours and get someone to jump out at you every 40 minutes.

The opening scene defines the rest of the film. The two characters watch a video of a haunted place. Eerie music plays and a ghost jumps in front of the camera. You know you have a problem if that’s the scariest scene in the film is that scene. Like the video, someone walks around the house, and a ghost jumps out – the end. The only difference is that the 2 minute video is spread into 2 excruciatingly long hours.

This film is also tiresomely clichéd. The characters are as stupid as a goldfish, making decisions which made me scream at the screen in anger. Also, the film is littered in predictable false scares. Whether it’s a bird flying out of the attic door or a woman accidentally bumping into someone, it’s all been there done that. People moan at several horror films for using this awful stereotype, however everyone just ignores the fact this film is as clichéd as any FT13th sequel.

Also, all the characters are poorly developed; they’re annoying, 2D, boring and genuinely horrible characters who when they aren’t complaining, they are making decisions so utterly stupid they must have a ridiculously low IQ.

The worst quality of an already terrible movie is the ending. There are spoilers ahead. A psychic who coincidently happens to be staying there tells the main character to leave. The psychic goes off to pack her stuff and the main character hears someone calling her name in a basement. She thinks it’s a good idea to ignore the psychic and wander down their saying “hello? Is anyone there?” Let’s just say she dies. Then her friend says to the psychic “you knew she was gonna die.” Then she says “nothing could’ve saved her.” Actually, logic could’ve. I ended up yelling at the credits “Is that it?”

Summary: A horror movie has to be either entertaining or (hopefully) scary (preferably both.) However, this was nor scary or entertaining.

That’s my review for one of the most awful movies I’ve ever seen.

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