Be prepared for a series of awful movie reviews. I have no intention of being the next Roger Ebert but I do have an intention of speaking my mind. Some of them aren’t actually that bad – just terribly mediocre. I’m positive that you will probably laugh when you see some of these – but remember – it’s my personal opinion. These movies aren’t ranked in any particular order. This is one of my first articles I’m posting and I hope you can respect my opinion.
Independence Day: Resurgence
By far the best movie on this list however no matter how much I look at the positives, it pales in comparison to the negatives. Despite the fact it has breath-taking CGI and the screenplay is excellent, it uses every sci-fi cliché and eye rolling, pathetic attempts at humour. Also, this movie presumes everyone has seen the original as the characters are so poorly developed. All of the truly great bits are shown in the trailer. Such a shame how much money was wasted on this predictable big-budget movie.
The Amityville Horror (original)
I really want to like this movie. The director shows great potential and it invents clichés rather than using old ones. There are only two reasons why this movie is on this list. The acting is shoddy and literally nothing happens. The film builds up suspense excellently; it kept me waiting on the edge of my seat. And waiting. And waiting. And when the credits role, I’m still waiting. They have rocking chairs, flies, dream sequences, walls spewing blood, murder, priests, ghosts, demons and much more. The only thing this movie lacks is actual scares and good performances. It’s just terribly mediocre.
The Santa Clause
My least favourite Christmas movie. The plot itself is tiresome and clichéd. There are absolutely zero laughs (except for young kids.) I have a motto which relates to this movie. My motto is “Kids enjoy kid’s movies. Kids and adults enjoy good kid’s movies.” This is not a good kid’s movie. This is far from good. I can’t tell you how many times I cringed when I watched this movie.
I hate this movie. Tim Burton is an extremely overrated director. He did well with Batman Returns and Miss Peregrine’s School for Peculiar Children is okay (elevated by excellent performances – especially from Samuel L Jackson.) This is an awful movie. It relies on every horror movie cliché (graveyards, cats jumping out from nowhere) yet it gets away with it because it’s a kids movie. I am not fooled by this abysmal piece of cinema. Also, this movie has lame attempts at humour. He adapted a story full of emotion with metaphors and turns it into a cheap, boring movie. When I watched this recently, it made me enraged. Enraged at how the movie thinks it’s so clever at blatantly obvious cameos. The whole point of cameos (or homages for that matter) is that there fun to spot and if there too obvious it’s just – well boring.
This is the worst movie I have ever seen. I hate it! I hate the unlikable, stereotypical characters. I hate how the main character is just a bratty, annoying version of Ariel. I hate how this movie is a rip-off to Brother Bear and other great Disney films. I hate it so much! I hate the music in this movie! I hate the melodramatic, far too predictable plot! I hate the fact it drags Pixar’s reputation through mud. I hate the fact it has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. This movie is not just a disgrace to Disney and Pixar, it’s a disgrace to great directors like Stephen Spielberg, who puts effort into all of his movies, even his weaker ones. It’s a disgrace to screenwriters like Kevin Williamson, who I would say is the greatest screenwriter in the world. In short, it’s a disgrace to cinema.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Never in my life have I seen a movie with such poorly developed characters. They’re all so unlikable and idiotic. At the end of the movie, my throat was sore from yelling at the TV and so were my ears by the main character’s annoying, constant shrieks for the last 20 minutes of the film. The film itself is poorly made and lacks competence or scares. The film feels like a poorly made comedy (due to its offensive gags) rather than a petrifying, gritty and disturbing masterpiece that horror fans claim it to be.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (original)
In my personal opinion, A Nightmare on Elm Street is the most overrated horror film ever. Th dialogue is laughable (“This is God.” Freddy Krueger says to Tina. And that’s supposed to be scary.) The characters are stereotypical and annoying. The effects are awful and there is only one scene in the film that can be considered as remotely scary. Director Wes Craven shows potential (and perfects his skill in far superior Scream) however he never completely explores his true goal – to blur the lines between dream and reality – he merely dances around the subject. Freddy Krueger is not a great villain thanks to the non-threatening booming voice from Robert Enguld. Heather Langekamp is talentless and her character Nancy Thomson is the most unlikable Final Girl ever. The only talented actor is young Johnny Depp, the only thing saving the film from being completely unwatchable.
Battle of LA
This is the only time in my life that I fell asleep in boredom. Battle of LA is a true abomination, ripping off other sci-fi flicks. I actually fell asleep. Awfully made, dreadful performances, lazily written, thin plot and it’s the dullest movie I’ve ever seen. Clearly, the screenwriters have never heard of interesting memorable characters and clearly they have no clue how to engage the viewer. I have seen bad movies before. At least they weren’t as dull as this film. Roger Ebert once described a film as having the same effect of watching a blank screen for two hours. This makes watching a blank screen for 2 hours as fun as the most fun thing you can think of. That’s how dull this film is.
“This sucks on so many levels.” A line of dialogue from the film that somehow manages to describe the film itself. There’s incompetent, and then there’s this. Friday the 13th series is a guilty pleasure of mine and I have actually enjoyed every single one of them except from this one. Generally, when I watch these movies, I ignore the flaws so I can enjoy them. For this movie, if I ignore the flaws, nothing good is left. The story is laughable. The dialogue sounds like it was written by a nine year old. The effects are dreadfully poor (especially cyborg Jason), the acting is hammy (in a very bad way) the directing is sub-par and everything else is an utter mess.
What an awful movie. This movie literally is about a bunch of people dying on Mount Everest. I am unaware why anyone would want to watch such a depressing movie. It contains zero entertainment value. It’s oh, so depressing. While a lot of sad movies are either funny (About Time) or contains great, realistic characters and is actually well made (Titanic) or a great romance (Me before You). This just involves a bunch of men dying.
This movie is a mess. The CGI is dreadful. The acting looks like it comes from a mediocre play rather than a big-budget sci-fi film. The storyline is forgettable and tiresome. The “humour” is childish. The screenwriting is atrocious. There is zero chemistry between the two main characters. Also, the film is just dull. Most people out there probably agree with me. Hardly anyone will for the next one.
Harry Potter film series
Oh dear lord. Not this piece of rubbish. Everyone praises Harry Potter for being really interesting and having breath-taking CGI effects. Interesting – if you think 8 films with virtually identical plots are interesting then yeah – sure. I can’t tell any of the films apart. Also, breath-taking CGI – really? The CGI effects throughout the films range from mediocre to borderline disgraceful. Daniel Radcliff was great in The Woman in Black but in these films he’s awful.
I hate this pathetic excuse for a movie. A giant snake eating people. It’s basically Jaws with a snake. Actually no it’s not, Jaws is an amazing piece of cinema. Anaconda is an utter abomination. The cast is awful (apart from Jennifer Lawrence and Ice Cube). The snake is terrible CGI, the worst I’ve ever seen. If that’s not enough, it is highly predictable and dull.
This movie SUCKS. The plot is predictable. The characters are cheesy and stereotypical. The humour is unfunny and eye-rolling. I hate this stupid movie. I do not understand why every single person adores this movie.
I heard so much praise for Ti West’s old-school horror flick, but instead I found it boring, predictable, clichéd and the characters are so idiotic! There weren’t enough genuine scares so instead the writer replaced it with false-scares (a bird jumps out at someone, a lady bumps into someone). Don’t waste your time with this film. Find out truly what I think of it in my article The Innkeepers – Movie Review.
The first 50 minutes of this is great. All of a sudden, it becomes predictable, with annoyingly stupid characters. The mother is so stupid; rather than fleeing or fighting for her life, her and her son stay in a hot car for ages as the son begins to die from dehydration.
The Bone Collector
The Bone Collector is mediocre, to say the least. The heroine is a rip-off to Jodie Foster’s Clarice Starling and it is immensely predictable and the ‘professional detectives’ miss out blatantly obvious clues. Also, the supposedly genius villain gets all his ideas for deaths from a rentable library book. And that’s without pointing out the annoying plot-holes and the weak, annoying villain. However, the acting is strong and there’s a particularly grisly sequence of someone being eaten by rats.
I hated the David Almond book and I loathed the film. All the film has to offer is weak characters, gaping plot-holes, bad acting, bad dialogue and absolutely atrocious effects.
The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)
The film is 2 hours and 15 minutes long yet it has very little to offer. The film has trashy cinematography, over the top performances, weak characters and predictable twists.
So that’s my list. You probably hate me after some of these.